Seeing as I have your attention, allow me to summarise and describe who I “believe” myself to be, and the roots of my development from as early as I can remember:
Born in London, England to a woman by the name of Karen and her partner, and the first man of my life, Tony. I am Karen’s third child and Tony’s fourth, and I happen to be a twin amongst a sibling of five. I was nurtured through curiosity, disobedience, competition and love. I thrived on doing what I did not see the people in my close proximity undertaking, not so much for the external adulation but more so toward adhering to The Voice within. That so much has yet to change.
I always had an appetite for discovery beyond my own understanding. This came in the form of studying literature in relation to self-development, which initially begun in a financial sense then inadvertently progressed towards a more cognitive, inner standing of Self. Beside this, I assigned considerable applicability to the realms of sound, harmony, music and the like. It was direct experience which held the mantle of importance in my early setting out, as I felt that a ‘hands on’ approach in a variation of fields would be clinical in my passage to meaning in a world where this, ironically, seems a paradoxical notion.
I never lost sight of the significance of direct experience, and with that felt compelled to WORK on settling my urges of inquisition and answer the questions that pervaded my innerverse. Among these were; where am I; who am I; what am I; why am I; how have I found myself here; what is the clandestine meaning to existence; how should I go about myself in a world entangled in disorder, oppression, fraudulence and social, cultural, spiritual and moral degeneration.
Over the course of my adolescent and teenage years I become overwhelmed with the life of existential aggrandisement. To put it another way; the desire to become a symbol of adoration and likeability by moving with what can universally be understood as the ‘in crowd’. As a consequence of this ideal, redirecting my focus away from the quest of meaning and psychological emancipation, only to launch myself in a world where the two-standout factors at the time were – ‘enjoyable memories’ and studying or ingratiating myself where women were concerned. It must be understood that deep in my mental conditioning I yearned not for physical, stimulation [in the form of hormonal secretion which consequentially engulfs and overwhelms behavioural patterns] that is most evident through opposite gender attraction, but intent to give a part of myself to a woman. Which, in turn excited me to no end. This took shape in the form of charismatic, genial behaviour through the art of discourse, or bonding through infectious strokes of enthusiasm; whichever it was, both transpired to be effective instruments in lowering emotional barriers and walls that beautiful [all] women, too often, subconsciously create to prevent falling into a pit of demise in the wake of reciprocation not received. I must make clear; as immature and mindless as I was this didn’t always happen to be the resulting outcome. I not only reflect on these instances but vow to be what my lack in knowledge, maturity and servitude prevented me from being at that time. For there are no mistakes in our journey, only experiences which promote a serendipitous outlook and determined volition to evolve and grow anew.
I am afraid to inform you there were no catastrophic incidents that lead me to reconnecting myself to this way of life. That is not to say I didn’t experience difficulties, testing times and toil to reach where I reside presently, but I intuitively held onto the theory that these challenges are only the phases of initiation that needed to be undergone to advance my body and mind to be prepared to lead the life of the Shaman.
Kundalini Yoga, Chi Gong, Self-Regenerative Therapy and, most notably, Vipassana to name a few are external modalities which heralded the activation of self and, over time, blossomed to reveal the realigning and reprogramming of my perspective, my values and ultimately, my-SELF. It is not too dissimilar to the three-parted theme narrative of a mythological story or fairytale in that respect, by reason that we are all in a state of operative overhaul on some scale, which can be unclear at first glance. However, to the ponderous mind, the one who meditates [sustains focused attention] will realise this overhaul integrates and becomes a conscious entity that is unnatural to overlook.
As referred to, SEPARATION INITIATION and RETURN act as the bedrock to most, if not all, mythologies and fairytales. If understood allegorically, my theory is that we must SEPARATE from the part/s of our experience, which stifle our intrinsic openings and thwart our innate human nature. To be frank, they must DIE in order to allow the rise of self-empowerment and innerstanding to govern our actions, behaviours and principles.
“Healers are spiritual warriors who have found the courage to defeat the darkness of their souls. Awakening and rising from the depths of their deepest fears, like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. Reborn with a wisdom and strength that creates a light that shines bright enough to help, encourage, and inspire others out if their own darkness.” Melanie Koulouris.
We must undergo an INITIATION, of some kind, which acts as a ladder to an existential uprising of recognition and remembering. This finds its roots in archaic traditions whereby Shamans, Alchemists, Magis, Gnostics, Sages, Healers, Wizards, Medicine Men and the like, underwent a procession of rites, intentionally to awaken and realign to their higher consciousness and archetypal origins.
The RETURN signifies the evolutionary completion of the former two stages and reentering the transitional space where you have come from. In relation to fairytales, an example can be Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. On fulfilling the mission she had been ordained to do she, successfully, clicked her heels three times to RETURN. In relation to mythology; Jesus Christ is a worthy example in his pilgrimage to enlighten the minds of the masses. Although the climax is arguable in respect of his success according to the stories, he RETURNED to his Shangri-La after doing what he was ordained to do. And lastly; the Shaman who undergoes a series of rites in the garden of the natural world to learn from the sacred Mother and her contemporaries. Once the time has reached its pinnacle, the Shaman must RETURN and do the bidding that has become him after his heightened, wakeful state of humanity.
I am nowhere but equally am somewhere not so easily definable. But if I know anything, it is that I am on the threshold of SEPARATION and entering INITIATION. With intuitive directness I go toward this endeavour with seeing eyes, to welcome the revelation that must be witnessed before the curtain fully opens and I give myself to the rites of passages with faith, certitude and loyalty.
To those whom I have come across or do come across; forgive my trespasses and I am forever in awe of what you represent in my development. IN LAK’ECH.
Be well my friend. Be mindful.
I AM Master. I am Able. I am Noble.